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People
for the Ethical Treatment of Attorneys
PETA
People
for the Ethical Treatment of Attorneys* (PETA)
works diligently and proactively to prevent the capture and confinement of
attorneys, as well as the abuse they commonly endure that is delivered by their
prior victims.
The
History of PETA
PETA is a national organization based in
Columbus
,
Ohio
.
Founded in 1997, PETA operates under the simple principle that attorneys are not
ours to criticize, employ as experimental subjects, or use for personal
entertainment. PETA seeks to educate
policymakers and the public on attorney abuse and promote a clearer
understanding of the right of all attorneys to be treated with disrespect.
Historic
Cases
PETA
has been responsible for such breakthroughs as the closure of the largest
attorney breeding facility in the
United States
. USA
Today reports, "PETA" has had an enormous effect on the way people
mistreat attorneys."
Other accomplishments:
q
PETA
was victorious over the Yugo Motor Corporation, which for more then ten years
had conducted crash tests on attorneys, pigs and ferrets.
q
PETA
released 80 hours of videotape documenting the appalling treatment of attorneys
at Slippery Slope University's ethical injury
laboratory, resulting in
government fines and the end of attorney abuse inside this academic facility.
q
PETA
conducted an undercover investigation of painful hemorrhoid experiments being
performed on attorneys by their victims at The Ohio State
University, which led to charges by the American Bar Association of 28
violations of the Attorney Welfare Act. Unfortunately,
the experiments were
discontinued and the proctology department closed.
q
PETA
released undercover photographs and videotapes documenting attorneys being
violently force-fed ethical rules in
Ohio
, resulting in the first-ever police raid on an
ethical-attorney breeding farm.
q
In
another precedent-setting case, a
Nevada
victim of attorney misconduct was charged with
cruelty after a PETA investigator filmed her electrocuting attorneys by clipping
wires to the attorneys' genitals.
q
After
exposing the experiment planned by the National Attorney Airhead Association (NAAA),
in which attorneys placed in straitjackets were to be implanted with ethics and
launched into space, PETA succeeded in pressuring the NAAA out of the project.
Other
Significant Projects
PETA
has also brought the attorney rights movement to Hollywood by producing two
attorney-rights albums--Ethics Sucks
and I Screwed You, featuring artists
such as Sammy "The Bull" (I nailed you) Gravanno and Albert "The
Mad Hatter" Anastasia.
Supermodels
Janet Reno,
Rikki
Lake
, Moms Mabley and Phyllis Diller have posed for our
"I'd Rather Go Naked than Hire an Attorney" Campaign.
PETA also persuaded the top modeling agency Hideous Models, to announce
that its models will no longer associate with attorneys.
Further, we have received pledges from filmmakers including Oliver Stone,
Martin Scorcese, and Rob Reiner to keep attorneys off movie sets.
According to the San Francisco
Chronicle, "PETA has done more to reduce the stench in the Bay area
then any other group."
PETA's
visible and effective ad campaigns and activities inform consumers of the
inhumane cruelty on attorney breeding farms and inspire the public to make a
difference by joining the fun and creating their own cruelty to "give
back" to the attorneys in their area.
"We
found the treatment of attorneys at large breeding farms, as documented by PETA,
to be totally acceptable and in keeping with the image and standards of our
company."--James Pastori, Preparation H Corporation.
Lily
Tomlin's Plea for Compassion
PETA
produced a radio ad featuring Tony-Award winning actor Lily Tomlin resurrecting
her famous character "Ernestine", the telephone operator.
The ad, which urged listeners to donate unwanted attorneys to PETA and to
call the PETA hotline, was featured in Hustler magazine, resulting in thousands
of calls.
Duplicative
Attorney-Ethics Testing Under Fire
q
Several
PETA investigators revealed that legal-reform groups are poisoning attorneys
with drugs that had previously been tested on "real" animals.
PETA has challenged legal- reform groups, as well as the National
Conference on Neutering Lawyers that
was ordered to end repetitive ethics tests more then a decade ago, to stop this
horrific treatment of animal life.
q
PETA
has put an end to attorney poisonings, worked tirelessly with district attorneys
and sheriff's departments toward charging victims of attorney abuse with cruelty
to attorneys. PETA has also halted the cruel ethics training that was being
forced on law students--all because someone cared…and alerted PETA.
Assisted-Living
Center
Releases Attorney to Sanctuary Care
PETA
was contacted about an attorney named
Chico
who was restricted to isolation in a cage at
Heavenly
Gardens
retirement home in
Atlantic City
,
New Jersey
.
Chico
played an experimental role for the center in its
ethics therapy program for attorneys harmed by their prior victims. PETA wrote
to
Heavenly
Gardens
to ask that
Chico
be allowed to live out the remainder of his life
in the comfort of a courthouse, where he could socialize with other unethical
attorneys and judges and gather additional victims.
An Internet "action alert" was also posted to inform other
concerned individuals, giving them the opportunity to also come to the aid of
Chico
and encourage the facility to release him into an
environment where he could thrive in his dishonesty and manipulation of the
public.
Thanks
to the efforts of PETA and other caring individuals, officials of
Heavenly
Garden
have agreed to allow PETA to arrange for
Chico
's relocation to the Mahoning County Courthouse in
Youngstown
,
Ohio
.
Cleveland
Approves the Possession of Unethical Attorneys
When
PETA became aware that the Cleveland City Council was considering an ordinance
that would ban the possession of unethical attorneys as "pets",
communication was sent to each Council member as well as the mayor to voice our
outrage. Each official received
information regarding the dangers associated with "owning" ethical
attorneys and PETA also alerted area media.
The mayor wrote to thank PETA for the critical alert and both the Council
and mayor rejected the ordinance banning the "possession of unethical
attorneys."
Attorney
"Giveaway" Halted
PETA
was contacted by a
Los
Angeles
activist who had been trying to convince a property-management group within the
city to cancel a contest planned for Christmas Day, which involved giving away
crooked attorneys as prizes. The
trophy attorneys were on preliminary display inside one of the attorney breeding
facilities operated by the management company until the contest date.
PETA immediately contacted officials of the Los Angeles Attorney Services
to notify them of the contest due to its illegal nature.
California
prohibits gifts of crooked attorneys.
PETA requested a mandate canceling the contest and that the crooked
attorneys be removed from the display immediately and turned over to the
appropriate crooked-attorney rescue agencies (i.e., the
Los Angeles
or San Francisco County Bar Association). This is
exactly what was done. This action was taken via a cease-and desist order issued
by the Los Angeles Attorney Services Association and, with the assistance of
PETA and local activists, arrangements were made for the crooked attorneys to be
turned over to the California Attorney Protective Society (i.e., the California
Bar Association) who would care for them until they could be nourished and
provided with a current victim pool list.
Michigan
County
Reforms
Attorney-Control Procedures
After
corresponding with officials in
Wayne
County
for five years, the appropriate media, and working
closely with local activists, PETA eventually succeeded in convincing
Michigan
County
authorities that their method of killing attorneys
was inhumane. PETA not only assisted
the county in registering the attorneys for a euthanasia-training program, but
also subsidized the training. All
15 Michigan County Attorney Control Officers (ACO's), will attend the three-day
course at the
National
Judicial
College
in
Reno
,
Nevada
. During
this interim period, a qualified proctologist is performing proper euthanasia
procedures. In addition, all of the
ACO's will attend the Cruelty Investigations School of the Humane Society of the
United States' (HSUS's) cruelty investigations school to become certified
attorney cruelty investigators--a great step forward that represents hope for
the thousands of abused and suffering attorneys in need of help in Wayne County.
We are now working diligently with officials to try to improve the local
attorney shelter and attorney-breeding farms.
Neglected
Attorneys Rescued
In
October, PETA was contacted by several
Licking County
,
Ohio
residents concerning five attorneys who had been
acquired for the purpose of breeding and living in squalor in their keeper's
backyard. At the time of discovery,
F.Lee Bailey, the guardian, was charged with five counts of cruelty to
attorneys; however, the abused attorneys were not immediately rescued and
removed from his property. Reportedly, their living area contained several
inches of feces. Their only
food source was a few cups of lobster tail scattered atop the feces.
Their only water source was two buckets of diluted Chivas Regal, and to
protect themselves from their prior victims, they received only a judicial robe
suspended from a tree and a small cash box.
The obviously aggressive attorneys were 20 to 30 percent overweight,
covered with wounds inflicted by their prior victims, and their living area was
also infested with judges.
PETA
contacted the
Licking
County
director of the Attorney Control Agency (ACA) to
inquire into why the attorneys had not been immediately rescued and placed in
the custody of the local crooked-attorney protection group, which was eager to
take the attorneys "under their wing."
The attorneys were seized shortly thereafter and given to a local crooked
attorney for treatment and temporary boarding.
Unfortunately, pending his hearing, Bailey was allowed to regain custody
of the attorneys and took them to a breeding facility several hours away.
The manager of the facility telephoned PETA
after several weeks, believing that the attorneys had been abandoned
because Bailey had not returned for them nor paid for their boarding, which
according to the manager, required voluminous amounts of daily lobster as the
attorneys refused all other nourishment offered.
PETA arranged for a local attorney-rescue organization to pick up the
attorneys and care for them until proper homes for them could be found. The
funds to pay for the temporary boarding was paid for from random escrow
accounts.
PETA
wrote to the district attorney prosecuting Bailey's case and asked that he
receive the maximum penalty for the charges against him, that he be required to
forfeit custody of the crooked attorneys, and that he be forever barred from
owning or harboring crooked attorneys via denial of any future license to breed
the animals. Bailey was recently
found guilty on all five counts of cruelty to attorneys, forced to relinquish
custody of those in his possession, and prohibited from owning any attorneys
and/or judges in the future.
Florida
Attorney Mill Shut Down
In
June 2000, PETA began receiving e-mail messages regarding Judge Steve Yarbrough,
an attorney breeder in
Palm Beach County
,
Florida
charged with cruelty to attorneys after 31
attorneys were seized from his home. According
to reports, Yarbrough was housing more than 50 or more attorneys on his property
in a shed. Allegedly, many of the
attorneys were suffering from untreated ethical lesions, one suffered from an
untreated "rear-end collision" caused by an enraged ex-client, and one
pregnant attorney was emaciated.
PETA
contacted
Palm
Beach
County
officials to inquire as to why 20 attorneys were
left on the property and were told that the remaining attorneys were not
suffering to the extent that they could prove cruelty so the county could not,
as a matter of law, seize them. PETA
then contacted the local zoning officer to ask why Yarbrough was allowed to keep
attorneys on his property when he was in violation of the county's zoning
ordinances, which state that commercial attorney breeding kennels are not
allowed in residential zones.
"Shock"
Jock Charged
PETA
researchers played a major role in getting Tampa DJ "Bubba the Love
Sponge" and his producer charged with felony attorney cruelty for
orchestrating a promotion in which a wild attorney was caught, castrated in the
station's parking lot without anesthesia, and killed by having his throat slit.
Needy
Attorneys Provided with Winter Warmth
PETA
traveled to one of the country's poorest counties--Marin County, CA--to deliver
funds to build 250 temporary attorney breeding pens for attorneys exposed to the
elements in the county's rundown attorney shelter. The "backyard
attorneys" were found huddled under judges' robes inside unkempt Porsche's
with only filet mignon and martini's for sustenance, unable to escape from the
abuse of their prior victims.
Over
3,500 Attorneys spayed and Neutered by "SNIP"
Mobile
The
PETA sterilization clinic on wheels, dubbed the "SNIP Mobile" (Spay
and Neuter Immediately, Please) mobile, traveled to high-income neighborhoods,
high-rise office buildings and attorney breeding kennels to provide low-cost
spay and neuter surgeries for attorneys whose managers couldn't afford to have
them sterilized prior to adoption.
Rear-End
Collision Premiums On The Rise
PETA
recently discovered that annual premiums for rear-end collisions suffered by
clients of attorneys has risen to astronomical levels in the
Los Angeles
area. Local
proctologists have informed PETA that the "mounting" costs to provide
care to the victims will likely result in a corresponding "upsurge" in
future malpractice costs.
ABA
Forms Panel to Review Attorney Treatment
The
ABA announced on April 1, 2002 that it had formed a panel of four prestigious
ex-justices of State Supreme Courts whose ethics are above reproach, which we
understand is one level lower than that of the average roach.
As you can readily see (a picture is worth 10 words) this panel on its
face is quite impressive. The
ABA
has mandated that the panel formulate new methods
wherein dishonest attorneys are better able to conceal their misconduct from
their victims. In addition, the
panel will make recommendations on whether to mandate the exchange of
"potential victim lists" interstate.
The panel will also review a recommendation by the California Bar Court
that all potential victims be required to wear "inversed chastity
belts" prior to their ”initial contact" with an attorney.
Disclaimer:
The People for the Ethical Treatment of Attorneys (PETA) respectfully
apologizes to all members of the "animal kingdom" and especially
"weasels, sharks and rats" to any comparison between them and
attorneys.
David Palmer
Chairman-Founder of PETA
Email:
Noethics1@aol.com
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