Tom Noe and
By David Palmer
Tom
Noe’s “Coin Productions” in association with “I Noe Nothing Cinema” has
announced they will be jointly producing a sequel to “Hogan’s Heroes.”
The
casting has been set and is as follows:
Tom Noe as Corporal Tom Newkirk
George Voinovich as Colonel George Hogan
Gov. Bob Taft as Sergeant Bob Schultz
Chief Justice Moyer as Captain Tom Klink
Betty Montgomery as Fraulein Betty Schmidt
Jim Petro as Corporal Jim Langenscheidt (Schultz
trainee)
Joseph Deters as PFC Joe Newkirk, Jr. (Cpl. Newkirk’s nephew)
Justice Terrence O’Donnell as Sgt. Terry Klink (Capt.
Klink’s firstborn)
President Bush as Major Bush
Carl Rove as Admiral Rove
I
was able to obtain a copy of the script for the initial pilot and I would like
to share it with you. Here’s a portion of the first script that was recently
submitted to Fox TV.
Cpl. Newkirk and Hogan scheme to put Noe-coin in play.
Cpl. Newkirk: George, what’s the chance of getting some of your boys to invest some
state coin in my coin business?
Col. Hogan: Pretty risky business,
right Tom?
Cpl. Newkirk: Don’t’ worry George; you know and I know that I know how to take care of
business.
Col. Hogan: Yeah,
Tom, I must admit that you’ve done a hell of a job spreading around the
coin.
Cpl. Newkirk: Well, what can you do for me George?
Col. Hogan: I
gotta friend who owes me a favor. I’ll
put in a word for ya.
Cpl. Newkirk: Thanks
George, I knew I could count on you.
Hey, how about a law eliminating taxes on coin transactions?
Col. Hogan: I
can do it, but it’s gonna cost you a little more coin, Tom.
Cpl. Newkirk: You just can’t say no to Noe-coin, can ya George?
Col. Hogan: If
this deal goes sour, I’m going to say, I know-e nothing, nothing. I saw nothing. I see nothing. I do nothing.
I’m headed to the US Senate, so you’ll have to deal with Bob Taft in the
future.
Cpl. Newkirk: Yeah, thanks for nothing.
Schultz and Cpl. Newkirk discuss
Sgt. Schultz: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need
them. I don’t know what you talk about.
Cpl. Newkirk: Your chief of staff called me about the story in the Toledo Blade and
the missing coins.
Sgt. Schultz: I know nussing about zat. I saw nussing. I see nussing. I do nussing because I’m a do-nussing kind of
guy.
Cpl. Newkirk: What about my appointment with the Board of Regents?
Sgt. Schultz: I
know nussing about zat. I saw
nussing. I see nussing. I do nussing because I’m a do-nussing kind of
guy.
Capt. Klink, Cpl. Newkirk, Langenscheidt, Schultz and Schmidt discuss
fallout from Noe-coin scam.
Capt. Newkirk: Klink,
how the hell did the Blade find out about the coin deal?
Cpl. Newkirk: I don’t know. Why don’t you ask
Shultz?
Capt. Newkirk: Sarge,
who spilled the beans on Noe?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nussing about zat. I saw nussing. I see nussing. I do nussing because I’m a do-nussing kind of
guy. Ask Jimmy, maybe he knows.
Capt. Klink: Captain,
know who crapped on the Noe deal?
Cpl. Langenscheidt: I know-e nothing, nothing. I saw nothing. I see nothing. I do
nothing. Ask Fraulein Schmidt.
Capt. Klink: Schmidt,
know anything about the traitor that turned on the Noe?
Fraulein Schmidt: I know sumssing. I saw sumssing. But, I ain’t saying nussing and I ain’t dewing
nussing.
Cpl. Newkirk and Capt. Klink talk about the 3500 bottles of wine in
Cpl Newkirk: Klink, know anything about the 3500 bottles of wine they found at Noe’s
partner’s home in
Capt. Klink: I
don’t know much. Somebody told me that
somebody told the guy in Denver that Mike Colley (Franklin County Republican
Party Chairman) and Bob Bennett (Ohio Republican Party Chairman) were gonna
stop by for the weekend.
Capt. Klink and Schultz discussing Brian Hicks and Noe’s digs in
Capt. Klink: Sarge,
how did Brian Hicks get away with paying Noe $60 a night to stay at his $4
million digs in
Sgt. Schultz: It’s okay. Brian told me Noe had a “Super 8” sign on the
door.
Capt. Klink: Well,
that explains it, Sarge.
Klink, Klink and Schultz discuss missing coins from Noe’s car.
Capt. Klink: Hey
Sarge, what ya think about Noe’s claim that coins were stolen from his car when
he parked it in his driveway?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nussing about zat. Ask your son Terry.
Capt. Klink: Son, what’s your take on Noe claiming coins were stolen from his car
when he parked it in his driveway?
Sgt. Klink: Sounds
like the same bull I pulled when I said someone stole $18,000 in leftover $10
and $20 from my car in
Capt. Klink: Jesus
Son, I told you that bull wasn’t gonna work.
When are you gonna learn to follow Daddy’s advice?
Sgt. Klink: But
Dad, you’re the one that told me about the Noe lawsuit against Homestead
Insurance when he tried to collect by claiming someone stole the coins from his
car when it was parked in his driveway. I didn’t no that you didn’t want me to copycat
Noe’s scam.
Capt. Klink: You’re
right son; however, Noe’s insurance policy required that he had to stay with
the car or be watching when the coins were stolen.
Sgt. Klink: Oh,
I think I got it now Daddy. If Noe told
the cops he was in the car or watching the car when the coins were stolen,
Capt. Klink: Good
job son, you finally got it right.
Klink and Shultz discussing the missing Noe coins.
Capt. Klink: Are
you telling me that you didn’t know anything about the three missing Noe coins?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nussing about zat. I know about the “Three Coins in the
Fountain.”
Capt. Klink: You
don’t have any idea where they could be?
Sgt. Schultz: Did anybody check the fountain?
Capt. Klink: Sarge,
I hear tell that the missing coins were like really rare.
Sgt. Schultz: Yeah, that’s probably why they can’t find them.
Capt. Klink: I
think ya hit on something Sarge.
Sgt. Schultz: Since
they’re so rare and they can’t find them – doesn’t zat make them even more
valuable?
Capt. Klink: I
think its time for some more apple strudel Sarge.
Klink and Klink opining on who may have stole the Noe-coin and Jr’s $18,000
Sgt. Klink: Dad,
any idea on who might have stolen Noe’s coins from his car in
Capt. Klink: What
do I look like, Carnack the Magnificent?
Sgt. Klink: But
Dad; you told me you are all Noe-ing, remember?
Capt. Klink: Doesn’t
Judge Stephen Yarbrough live in
Sgt. Klink: You’re
right Dad, he does.
Capt. Klink: Son,
don’t you remember that Yarbrough was canned as Lucas County Republican Party
Chairman when postage stamps came up missing?
Sgt. Klink: That’s right Dad. But wasn’t
Yarbrough a stamp collector?
Capt. Klink: Does
anyone know where Yarbrough was when Noe’s coins were stolen from his car in
Sgt. Klink: Come
on Dad; you think maybe Yarbrough stole them?
Capt. Klink: Well,
he stole stamps, didn’t he?
Sgt. Klink: You’re
right Dad. Do you know if he was in
Sgt. Schultz meets with Major Bush
Major Bush: What
the hell’s going on with this Noe mess Sarge?
Sgt. Schultz: I know nussing about zat. I saw nussing. I see nussing. I do nussing because I’m a do-nussing kind of
guy.
Major Bush: I
had to pay back $5,000 of Noe-coin and now the Democrats want me to repay
another $100,000, and you’re telling me you don’t know-e anything?
Sgt. Schultz: Sumetimes I know sumssing, but I
know nussing about zat. What do you know
George?
Major Bush: Once
in awhile I know sumssing. I remember
General Cheney telling me sumssing, but most of the time I don’t know nussing.
Major Bush and Admiral Rove discuss Schultz’s response to
Admiral Rove: George,
what do ya think about Sgt. Schultz?
Major Bush: He
don’t know nussing. He never sees
nussing. He never saw nussing. He never does nussing because he’s a do-nussing
kind of guy.
Admiral Rove: No,
I mean his comment that you guys never spoke about the Noe scam. You did speak with him about the Noe mess,
right Major?
Major Bush: I know nussing about zat.
Admiral Rove: Cool;
however, what is your overall impression of Schultz?
Major Bush: I’d
rather talk to Schwarzenegger than the Sarge even though half of the time, I
can’t understand nussing he says most of the time.
Admiral Rove: Yeah, I know what ya mean. I bet
Jon Stewart would love to sponsor a debate between you, Schultz and Arnie.
Major Bush: It’d
be great. We could go on all night and
noe-body would noe what the hell any of us said.
Admiral Rove: Well,
at least Schultz makes you look good.
Major Bush: Yeah,
it’s like being the only Bush in the ocean.