► Judge Diane Cannon of Chicago; lifetime porker, Certified Moron Print
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Judge Diane Cannon of Chicago; lifetime porker, Certified Moron


The state of Illinois presented Diane Gordon Cannon with a law license in 1981.


Judge Cannon has had her significant snout firmly implanted in the public trough for the past thirty-two (32) years. Before duping the voters into electing her to the bench in 1996, she spent the prior 15 years as an assistant state’s attorney for Cook County. Apparently, no self-respecting law firm in the greater Chicago area was about to offer Diane a good paying job.


Diane has dedicated her so-called judicial career to cementing her status as one of Cook County’s most ignorant and incompetent jurists. Examples of Diane’s ignorance/incompetence are as follows:


Wrongfully jailed a Serbian immigrant who was later freed when superior judges intervened

Berated and imprisoned a young mother of three for using a cell phone from a restroom to check on her disabled child

Sentenced an exonerated death row inmate to a year in prison for shoplifting 4 sticks of deodorant

Repeatedly delayed a hearing for an innocent man until he died


In a case involving Chad Johnson who was accused of murder, Queen Diane donned her Prosecutor’s Gown to assure that Johnson was convicted despite the fact that several witnesses placed him in Kentucky at the time the murder happened in Chicago.


Johnson’s conviction was overturned by a unanimous appellate court, which ruled that Diane tainted the trial from the start by not following the rules on selecting jurors. The appellate judges went on to rule:


“The patent sarcasm inherent in Cannon’s comment [to defense counsel] unnecessarily displayed a personal evaluation of the report’s [defense investigator] quality … it was less than appropriate for the judge to personally comment, not only on the quality of the evidence, but upon the diligence of the investigator.”


The Appeals Court went on to state: “It would be best for both the court and the parties if the trial on remand were to take place before a different judge.”


As one would suspect, this wasn’t the first time that Queen Diane has been reversed by a unanimous appeals court in 2013. In one case, the appellate court ruled that Diane improperly dismissed a petition for a new trial in a murder case. In another case, the appellate court vacated her sentence of a sexual predator.


The cost to the taxpayers of Cook County and Illinois for the reversals by appellate courts of her asinine and incompetent behavior is difficult to gage. However, since the defendants are for the most part indigent, this means the taxpayers are paying to prosecute and defend these cases. It also means the taxpayers foot the bill for appeals and for the costs of retrials.


Hopefully the voters in Chicago will tell Queen Diane to take a hike if she has the chutzpah to run for reelection.


As we speak (ca. November 2013), Diane remains sitting as a Cook County Circuit Court Judge in the Criminal Division.