► Newt Gingrich - America's Premier Moralist Print E-mail

Newt Gingrich - America's Premier Moralist

 

As I trust you know, had it not been for Newt’s leadership and impeccable moral standards, it is highly likely that after 1978 (first elected to Congress) we would have been witness to numerous instances of Congressional misfeasance or even worse, marital infedility. Thanks Newt for being the moral compass (lightning rod if ya will) of Congress and the country over the past 30 years.

Newt was born on June 17, 1943. At the time of his untimely birth, Newt’s dad Newton McPherson was 19 and his mother Kathleen Daugherty was 16, meaning Newton was banging Kathleen when she was 15 or even younger. This relationship likely formed the basis for Newt becoming a bible-thumping moralist and family values guy, right?

Newt’s been married three (3) times. When he was 19, Newt angled his way into marrying Jackie Battley (26 at the time) who was his former high school geometry teacher. In the psychiatric field, this conduct is affectionately referred to as hybrid form of DLS (Debra LaFave Syndrome.)
 
After cheating on Jackie, albeit it in a family values way by having an affair with Ann Manning in 1977, Newt did the right thing by seeking a divorce from Jackie. Who could blame Newt? After all, by this time Jackie was 40, meaning she was over-the-hill, and her sex appeal was likely negligible, right?
 
In 1981, Newt Married Marianne Ginther. In 1999 and while married to Marianne, Newt had a sexual liaison with 33-year old Congressional staffer, Callista Bisek (screwing the help so to speak). At the time Newt was 56; however, being the devout Christian he was, and to assure that his staff was up to the task of satisfying his staffer, an uninformed source indicated that Newt was taking Viagra intravenously. Keep up the good work Newt!
 
Liberal zealots were heard to pillory Newt for screwing a government staffer. What these liberal losers fail to appreciate is that the taxpayers actually saved money since Newt was banging Callista on company (government) time. The cost savings to the taxpayers were quite significant. Had Newt chose to seek sexual gratification from one of Jimmy Swaggart’s $20 hookers, the travel and security costs for repeated trips to Baton Rouge would have been humungous. Hey Newt, thanks for looking out for us overburdened taxpayers!
 
In 2000, Newt married Callista after seeking advice and vowing to remain celibate, I’m sorry I mean faithful, from Rev. Ted Haggard. In addition, Newt executed an affidavit titled: “Contract with God” that was authored and co-signed by family-value stalwarts such as Father Geoghan, Jimmy Swaggart, Tom Delay, Senator Vitter, Mark Foley, Mark Sanford, and last but not least, Larry Craig.
 
In his run for Congress in 1992, his Democratic opponent (aka, communist sympathizer) Tony Center, ran a misleading ad claiming that Newt had delivered divorce papers to his wife the day after her cancer operation while she was in the hospital. The truth is that Newt went to the hospital and told her he was going to file divorce papers.  If some liberal wimp was faced with the same dilemma (when is an appropriate time to announce divorce proceedings to one’s spouse), he likely would have waited until she was comatose or sedated thereby deflecting any unwarranted rebuttal.

Sometime in 2004, a left-wing journalism student (is there another kind) from Regent University located in Virginia Beach (founded by Rev. Pat Robertson), raised his hand in an effort to ask Newt a question while he was giving a speech at a Civil Rights conference at Stone Mountain, Georgia. After Newt acknowledged the fellow, he asked Newt: “As the poster-child for Family Values, monogomous relationships and religiosity, and in accordance with scripture, what is the acceptable number of times a man can legitimately cheat on his wife in a 24-hour period of time?” Rather than respond orally, Newt responded as shown in the photo to the left. During the time the student queried Newt, that old ditty “One” by the Three Dog Night (one is the loneliest number) was playing in the background. Of course with ol' Newt, one (that'd be one having but one paramour at a time) is real bumber.   

 
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