Why isn’t Trump honoring 9/11 victims by attending the NYC ceremony?

Well, according to Trump’s own math — which is calculated using a highly advanced system of vibes, feelings, and whatever pops into his head before breakfast — he lost “hundreds of friends” on 9/11.

Total deaths: 2,726.

Subtract the 1,103 people Trump would never, ever consider a friend (See Tables I and II — the table that exists only in the hearts of comedians everywhere).

That leaves 1,623 possible “friends,” some of whom allegedly make up Trump’s “hundreds of friends.”

Now, because we’re generous, charitable souls — practically saints — let’s give Trump lots of leeway and say he meant 300 friends when he said “hundreds.”

My abacus‑friendly math (bless Dumbo’s wooden little heart) shows that 300 out of 2,726 is just over 9% —roughly one in ten.

One in ten!

That’s not a friend group, that’s a Costco membership tier.

And yet, according to available records, Trump never attended a single funeral for even one of these 300 friends.

Not one.

Zero.

Zilch.

Nada.

The man has skipped more funerals than a vampire with sun allergies.

But hey — maybe they weren’t real friends.

Maybe they were “almost friends,” the kind you dream about during a nightmare where you’re late for a meeting and wearing clown shoes.

If that’s the case, I don’t blame him for skipping the funerals.

Who attends funerals for people who only existed in your REM cycle?

Now, Trump is being pilloried in the press — and by those suffering from what he lovingly calls “Trump Derangement Syndrome” — for announcing he won’t attend the 9/11 ceremonies in New York on September 11, 2026.

The man has skipped more funerals than a vampire with sun allergies.

But hey — maybe they weren’t real friends.

Maybe they were “almost friends,” the kind you dream about during a nightmare where you’re late for a meeting and wearing clown shoes.

If that’s the case, I don’t blame him for skipping the funerals.

Who attends funerals for people who only existed in your REM cycle?

Now, Trump is being pilloried in the press — and by those suffering from what he lovingly calls “Trump Derangement Syndrome” — for announcing he won’t attend the 9/11 ceremonies in New York on September 11, 2026.

Honestly, the outrage is impressive.

People are acting like he’s skipping his own wedding anniversary instead of an event he’s never shown up for anyway.

And finally, imagine the anger and heartbroken wails coming from Trump’s “friends” interred at Woodlawn and Calvary cemeteries.

If ghosts could file complaints, those cemeteries would need a customer service department.

It almost screams for Wikipedia to add a new definition:

“Mourning the death of a friend: A ritual in which one does not attend funerals, memorials, or any event involving said friend.”

For Trump, visiting either cemetery on Halloween would be ill‑advised.

The ghosts might demand proof of friendship — and he’s already used up his supply.

Table I: People of Color Deaths

Table II: Misc. Twin Tower Deaths