► Gov. Brian Kemp (R-GA) seeks Edward Scissorhands help in reopening economy Print E-mail
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Gov. Brian Kemp (R-GA) seeks Edward Scissorhands help in reopening economy


Brian succeeded in duping the voters in Georgia into electing him as their Governor in November 2018. It should be noted that at the time of the election he was the Secretary of State who was in charge of state elections, which led to him taking affirmative steps to reduce the amount of voters he knew would vote for his opponent.


To prove that he is both a Donald “Trumporleone” Trump Sycophantic Ass-Kisser, Serial Moron and Aspiring Comedian, Brian decided to go against all medical advice on social distancing regarding fighting the Coronavirus pandemic.


Towards that end, Brian the Moron issued an order allowing for the following businesses to reopen on April 24, 2020 with the following instructions.

  • Bowling alleys: Husband and wife must bowl in lanes separated by at least 6 feet
  • Tattoo parlors: Needles must be at least 6 feet long
  • Nail salons: Brushes and clippers must be attached to 6-foot handles
  • Massage therapists: Must attach rubber mallet on 6-foot-long pole prior to provding massages
  • Barbers: Only Johnny Depp in his role as Edward Scissorhands licensed to cut hair in the Atlanta area

Gov. Kemp has requested that Johnny Depp agree to come to Atlanta where he will be dressed up in his Edward Scissorhands regalia. The Gov. has promised Mr. Depp that he will be the only official State Barber who will be licensed to cut hair in the Atlanta metro area. In addition, The Gov. has agreed to indemnify Mr. Depp for any injuries he may inflict on any customer such as slicing a feller’s ear off.


I wonder how many Atlantans will rush to Mr. Depp’s barbershop for a haircut if he agrees to Gov. Kemps request.


At a minimum, sellers of 5-foot poles and rubber mallets should see a dramatic increase in sales if there are enough fools in Georgia to rush off to get a tattoo, haircut, nails clipped or a massage.


And lastly, if the death rate dramatically increases from Coronavirus due to Gov. Kemp’s asinine order, then I am sure there will more than a few lawyers who will contemplate suing him and the state for the premature death of their loved ones.


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