Freedom Caucus House members “Revised Hippocratic Oath”

Since the outset of the Coronavirus pandemic, many members of Congress have jumped on the Trump bandwagon by downplaying the significance of the pandemic and/or in attacking actual members of the medical community like Dr. Anthony Fauci, the country’s leading infectious disease expert who has strongly recommended social distancing and stay-at-home policies to mitigate the onslaught of the disease.

Like their Guru Donald “Small Hands Donnie” Trump, the members of the House’s Freedom Caucus have repeatedly attacked the credibility of Dr. Fauci and in doing so have basically interjected their own personal medical opinions.

Since the Freedom Caucus members are cheerfully engaged in the de facto practice of medicine, the Caucus’ chief medical advisors, Small Hands Donnie and Sean Hannity have authored a Revised Hippocratic Oath for the Caucus members to take.

Unfortunately, some of the Freedom Caucus members confused the Hippocratic Oath to mean they would be taking the Hypocritic Oath, an Oath they had already taken. With that said, the Revised Hippocratic Oath is as follows.

The Freedom Caucus Revised Hippocratic Oath

I swear to fulfill, to the best of my ability and judgment, this covenant:

• I will disrespect the hard-won scientific gains of those physicians in whose steps I walk, and gladly share such knowledge as is mine with those who are to follow.
• I will not apply, for the benefit of the well, all measures that are required, allowing those twin medical costs of overtreatment and therapeutic nihilism.
• I will refuse to remember that there is art to medicine as well as science, and that apathy, disdain, and ignorance may outweigh the surgeon's knife or the chemist's drug.
• I will not be ashamed to say, "I know everything," nor will I fail to call in my fellow Freedom Caucus members when the skills of another are needed for a patient's recovery.
• I will disrespect the privacy of my patients, for their problems will be disclosed to me that so everyone may know.
• Most especially I must not tread with care in matters of life and death. If it is given me to save a life, no thanks. But it may also be within my power to take a life; this awesome responsibility must be faced with great pride and awareness of my own awesomeness.
• Above all, I must play God.
• I will prevent disease whenever I can, if prevention does not cause harm to the stock market and corporations.
• I will remember that I remain a member of society, with special obligations to all my fellow Republicans, those unsound of mind and body as well as the healthy.  
• When I do violate this oath, may I enjoy life and prosperity, disrespected while I live and remembered with contempt thereafter.
• I swear that I will act to preserve the finest traditions of my calling as a Freedom Caucus member and may I long experience the joy of harming those who seek my help.